


Oh Fuck, It's Moving

by Mizushimo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Candy Apple, Comedy, Explicit Language, Grape - Freeform, Karkat does a gold medal winning synchronized diving routine off the handle, M/M, Masturbation, Pale Crush, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub, Puberty, Red Pop, Sexual Humor, Team Makara, Tentabulges, The tamest xeno you will ever read, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizushimo/pseuds/Mizushimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puberty, especially troll puberty is hard and no one understands, least of all its latest hapless victim, Karkat Vantas. Will our young hero be brave enough to unleash the beast within?</p><p>In which Karkat learns to delete pesterlogs, Gamzee gets his roleplay on, the word fuck is used 91 times and we meet the new Team Makara.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is in two pieces because I thought a 4k pesterlog would be a little too much all on one page. 
> 
> Enjoy the conciliatory shenanigans!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]--  
CG: GAMZEE? YOU THERE?  
CG: FUCK  
CG: PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR [ASS] AND GET BACK OVER TO YOUR HUSKTOP.  
CG: NOW.  
CG: I MEAN IT!!  
CG: THE HOOFBEAST EXCREMETE IS ABOUT TO HIT THE MANY BLADED WHIRLING DEVICE OVER HERE.  
CG: NEVER MIND. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO A SOPOR SLOBBERING IDIOT WITH FUCKING FAYGO SHAPED HOLES IN HIS HALF ROTTED THINKPAN?  
CG: IF YOU GET THIS MESSAGE PLEASE DISREGARD IT AS THE RAVINGS OF A LUNATIC. WHY THE IN THE NAME OF THE EVER LOVING MOTHER GRUB WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO YOU? JUST FORGET THAT I EVER TYPED THAT STUPID PLEA FOR HELP ON THIS STUPID, OUTDATED KEYBOARD.  
TC: wHaT Is aLL GoInG On uP AnD OvEr ThErE, My bEsT BrO?  
CG: OH NO  
CG: NO NO NO NO NO.  
CG: I AM NOT DEAING WITH YOUR CRACKPANED QUIRK SHIFTING NONSENSE TODAY. NO. NOT DOING IT!  
TC: sO.. DoEs tHaT MeAn YoU ThInK ItS KiNdA ChILl? It’S aLl kInDs oF WhImSiCaL aNd sHiT. LiKe tHeSe wOrDs aRe aLl DaNcInG ArOuNd wITh MoThErFuCkInG BeLls oN ThEiR ShOeS.  
CG: JUST..NO! NO FUCKING NO! I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT-FROM-MOOBEASTS TODAY. I DONT WANT TO HERE ABOUT YOUR NOOKFONDLING, SOPORSNIFFING CLOWN RELIGION. NOR DO I WANT T HERE ABOUT HOW YOUR CHANGING THE WAY YOU TYPE JUST TO BE ‘WHIMSICAL’ OR OTHER TENETS OF THE STUPIDEST AND MOST USELESS RELIGION IN ALL OF ALTERNIA. NO, NOT DEALING WITH IT.  
TC: Ah, bUt I gOt tO bE DoInG WhAt fEeLs rIgHt.  
TC: tHiS kInDa tYpInG Is aLl aBoUt tHe nEw, mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcUlOuS mE.  
CG: THIS IS SERIOUS GAMZEE! I’M BEING SERIOUS. I’M ABOUT READY TO LOSE MY FUCKING MIND!  
TC: Yeah, okay I can two-step to my old jivE.  
TC: So you probably don’t want to hear none about the bitchin fine face paint I just up and made myselF?  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: NO.  
CG: BETWEEN YOU AND TEREZI..  
CG: NO, FUCK, THAT SOUNDED BAD.  
CG: YOU’VE GOT CLOWN MESSIAHS AND SHE’S UP TO HER VESTICAL LUMPS IN THAT TEDIOUS, TIMEWASTING FLARP MOOSHIT.  
CG: SHE PRACTICALLY EATS BREATHES AND SLEEPS FLARP. I NEVER FUCKING SEE HER SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING?  
CG: THE ANSWER IS NO. SHE AND HER NEW FLARPFASTIC FRIENDS CAN GO JUMP IN THE SUBJUGGULATORS ACID-FILLED ABULATION TRAP FOR ALL I CARE.  
TC: Been getting your fight on with your red crush courtroom siS?  
TC: Doesn’t sound too bad if you wanna ask mE. She’s just giving you the black shouldeR.  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, SHE ISN’T MY ANYTHING YOU FAYGO SLAMMING NUTBEAST!!  
TC: I’m so motherfuckin thirsty all of a sudden, and I don’t know whYYYY.  
TC: HonK :o)  
CG: SECOND, Ijfadkls;  
TC: Are you giving me some kind of..uh, secret messagE?  
TC: My sly thinkpan isn’t comprehending the meaning of your keysmashes, brO.  
TC: Karkat? you still upright over therE? Everything chilL?  
TC: Not like you to just space out when you’re in the rage zonE  
CG: FUCK DONT TALK ABOUT TEREZI JUST DONT. NOT AGAIN!!!!!  
TC: Whoa. Alright, but why the fuck not? oh yeah, welcome back brotheR!  
CG: JUST. FUCK. MAKES IT WORSE.  
CG: IT'S PRIVATE OKAY?  
CG: AND NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS  
TC: Kinda thought you wanted to talk with me about this private, none of my business thing that’s all up and getting worsE.  
CG: WHAT PART OF ‘CHANGED MY MIND’ DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU NOOKSTAIN ON ALL OF TROLLANITY!  
TC: Hey now, no cause to be slinging around that motherfuckin inappropriate languagE. Did you fall outta your hive or somethinG?  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE SOLLUX? DO I GAMZEE?! I SURE AS FUCK HOPE NOT!  
CG: OH FUCK.  
CG: AND I’M BLEEDING AGAIN  
TC: Hold up, what noW?  
CG: YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, I THINK I’M DYING.  
CG: SO DISGUSTING, ITS ALL OVER MY FUCKING PANTS..  
TC: Shit, karkaT? This is gonna sound weird but, uh, are you sure it’s blooD?  
CG: DONT INTERRUPT ME! BRB.  
CG: OKAY I AM NOW TEXTING YOU FROM THE CRAB’S HALF BROKEN PDA IN THE BATHROOM. MY STATUS IS THAT I’M STILL FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME IN THE LAST COUPLE DAYS AND DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!! THERE IS NOT ONE THING ABOUT THIS SITUATION THAT WOULD INCLINE ME TO DO ANYTHING BUT SCREAM IN RAGE AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!  
TC: Whoa now, think calm thoughts, brother. Calm like the liquid in your eyeballS. Tell me, do you feel pain anywherE?  
CG: NO.  
CG: JUST HOT. LIKE SOME IDIOT WEDGED MY HEAD IN THE OVEN. I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP RIGHT IN DAYS, MY BLOODPUSHER JUST WON’T CALM THE FUCK DOWN! LOOK AT ME, I’M PACING BACK AND FORTH IN THIS TINY BATHROOM LIKE SOME PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A CAGED UP MEOWBEAST!!  
TC: This is starting to sound familiar if you know what I meaN  
TC: Good news is that it’s probably not blooD.  
TG: Better news is that shit is about ready to get one million and a half times more interestinG.  
CG: SO I WAS RIGHT.  
TG: Um, what noW?  
CG: A COUPLE A MONTHS AGO YOU ALLUDED TO SOME FRANKLY TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING THINGS THAT I SURE AS FUCK DID NOT NEED TO HEAR.  
TG: Haha, now I know what you’re talking about, my bestest of friendS.  
TG: You up and caught yourself the most motherfuckin beautiful of diseases calleD….  
TG: First FlusH.  
TG: Honkhonkhonk :o) :O) :o)  
CG: NO. FUCK NO.  
TG: You see friend, when a young wiggler gets to be a certain age  
CG: STOP WHATEVER TERRIBLE THING YOU WERE TYPING OR I WILL TAKE MY STANDARD ISSUE EDUCATION UNIT AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE!  
CG: AS SOON AS THIS STARTED HAPPENING I LOOKED IT UP ON THE SCHOOLFEEDER. OF COURSE I DID! DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF REACTIONARY MORON THAT WOULD FLY OFF THE GODDAMNED HANDLE WITHOUT DOING ANY RESEARCH?  
TC: WelL..  
CG: DON’T ANSWER THAT IT WAS FUCKING RHETORICAL.  
CG: THE POINT IS I DON’T NEED YOUR WHEEZING LECTURES ON THE TROLL FACTS OF TROLL LIFE!!  
CG: I KNOW FIRST FLUSH. I KNOW WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE!  
CG: IT’S A BEAUTIFUL AND NATURAL STAGE IN OUR GROWTH CYCLE. A YOUNG WIGGLER’S FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO ADULTHOOD. NOT SOME GROTESQUE NIGHTMARE THAT MANIFESTS IN THE MOST EMBARRASSING WAY POSSIBLE!!  
CG: I CHANGED MY MIND. THE THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU. WE CANNOT POSSIBLE HAVE THAT MUCH IN COMMON.  
TC: It’s the real deal, I’m telling yoU. I know because I already experienced this wicked mystery a couple perigrees back while agO.  
CG: NO, THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE.  
CG: IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE.  
CG: SOMETHING DISGUSTING AND TERRIFYING THAT WILL DOOM ME TO A PAINFUL AND MORTIFYING DEATH.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE A DOOMED EXTRA IN THAT SITCOM, ‘ALIEN VII’  
CG: AND SOME HIDEOUS MAMMALIAN RODENT WITH 5000 POINTY TEETH AND A BAD ATTITUDE IS GOING TO BURST OUT OF MY BULGE AT THE END OF THE SECOND EPISODE.  
CG: HOLY SHIT THAT PATHETIC BASTARD IS ABOUT TO DIE, SOMEBODY CUE THE LAUGH TRACK!  
CG: THE SCHOOLFEEDER HAD THE FUCKING GAUL TO INFORM ME THAT THIS SLOW MOTION FORESHADOWING STRAIGHT OUT OF DAYTIME TV THAT HAS BECOME MY LIFE WAS NORMAL.  
CG: NORMAL!!!!!!!  
CG: HOW THE FUCK IS SOME GIANT PARASITE SHUDDERING AROUND IN MY BULGE SHEATH FUCKING NORMAL????!!  
TC: Whoa, just breath all nice and steady for a few, my brO.  
TC: This is a natural kind of procesS. It’s not going to do one little drop of harm to nothinG.  
CG: FUCK THAT AND THE GALLEON OF SOPOR IT PUPATED IN.  
TC: I’m asking you t hold back your parade of rages for a seconD. I want you to answer a few motherfuckin questionS. I think we need to gaze at this problem under the light of objectifif. Objectivivication? What’s that word agaiN?  
CG: OBJECTIVITY.  
TC: Yeah, that’s just the thinG.  
CG: FINE  
TC: You been all pacing around and restless for a couple of cycleS. Stalking around with an itch that can’t be scratched with neither teeth or claW?  
CG: YES.  
TC: Your blood pusher been up and running a mile a minute even when you’re not getting your fight oN?  
CG: SURE.  
TC: You start having these sweet and miraculous thoughts in your think pan about other fine looking trollS. The kind of thinks that are profane and lavaciouS. The likes of which you never had beforE?  
TC: YES AND QUIT SNICKERING!  
TC: Heh, one last fine questioN. Your skin all flushing with the color of your blood right up across your face, and, uh, other placeS? :o)  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? LET ME CHECK  
TC: HonK  
CG: OH  
CG: FUCK  
CG: THIS!  
CG: MY MUTANT BLOOD COLOR IS RADIATING FROM MY FACE. AND MY ARMS AND EVEN MY FUCKING KNEES!!! SOMEONE JUST CULL ME NOW AND END THIS PATHETIC JOKE OF AN EXISTENCE!  
TC: It’s all like you’ve never up and seen your skin be tinted with the color of your motherfuckin inner hue beforE.  
CG:…  
CG: FINE. YOU WIN, THE CROWD GOES WILD AT THE AWESOME SIGHT OF YOUR CUNNING VICTORY.  
CG: I AM IN THE BEAUTIFUL THROES OF “FIRST FLUSH” WHICH IS THE MOST TERRIBLE AND MISLEADING NAME IN THE WHOLE NOOKDRIBBLING HISTORY OF OUR GLORIOUS EMPIRE!  
CG: HOORAY FOR KARKAT! THE TROLL WHO CAN’T FIND THE MEANING OF SIMPLE WORDS WITHOUT A MAP AND LOCATOR DEVICE.  
CG: JUST WHY?  
CG: WHY IS THIS HAPPENED NOW? TELL ME THAT?  
CG: IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN UNTIL WE’RE SIX SWEEPS OLD. I’M BARELY FIVE. THIS MAKES NO SENSE??!  
CG: OH FUCK, IT’S MOVING AGAIN.  
CG: FUCK THIS, I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS!  
TC: Don’t need to ask, this shit just happens when it wants to fuckin happeN.  
TC: I’m telling you that it’s just a bitchn natural kind of thinG. No cause for all these yells and whistleS.  
TC: Little dudes just want to come out and say ‘hi’ and ‘Yo, what’s the wicked news” all friendly like thaT.  
CG: ‘LITTLE DUDES’? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK??  
CG: DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW?  
TC: The miniature miracles’ all squirming and shuddering around in your lower partS. They just wanna be freE.  
TC: HonK :o)  
CG: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT..  
CG: MY FUCKING BULGE?  
TC: Yeah, that’s the answer my best brO.  
TC: I’ve got three of those little wrigglies all up inside of mE. They’re nothing to be afraid oF.  
CG: I CANNOT CONVEY THE LOOK OF DISGUST AND HORROR ON MY FACE THROUGH MERE TEXT ALONE  
TC: Shit bro, Grape, Red Pop and Candy Apple are just a new part of the team that is Gamzee motherfuckin MakarA.  
CG: haha  
CG: did you  
CG: AM I HEARING THIS RIGHT?  
CG: YOU NAMED YOUR BULGE FRONDS AFTER FAYGO FLAVORS.  
CG: YOU NAMED THE APPENDAGES THAT WILL SOME DAY KEEP ADULT YOU FROM FINDING A COLD HARD DRONE CULLING FORK IN HIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BODY AFTER VARIETIES OF SUGARY SODA?????  
TC: You be hearing that right, my wicked brO. :o)  
TC: The biggest is Grape, he’s one pushy motherfuckeR.  
TC: Red Pop is the longest and the most friendly little shit you’ve ever seeN.  
TC: Candy Apple is a little slow and he gets confused sometimeS.  
TC: I could tell you a thing or two about that, heheH.  
CG: NO STOP.  
CG: IF I GET ONE MORE MENTAL IMAGE OF YOUR BULGE..  
CG: I WOULD RATHER THINK ABOUT MY SLOW, AGONZING DEATH BY JILTED DOCTORTURER THAN PONDER THE MYSTERY AND COMPLEXITY OF YOUR  
CG: FUCKING!  
CG: BONE BULGE!!!!!!!  
TC: Alright, your views and demands are coming in loud in cleaR!  
TC: But they are a miraculous sight to beholD.  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TC: When they all start waving around, looking like seaweed swaying underwater. Peaceful, but not so fuckin peaceful in the think paN! No, they let off these fireworks that can’t be seen, but I feel them all fiery and exploding back behind these oculars all the way down the spine and into my belly. So warm, and so motherfuckin intensE.  
CG: NO!  
CG: WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR BULGE. UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GET SOLLUX TO TEACH ME HOW TO SET YOURS ON FIRE WITH THE POWER OF MY SHITTY WIGGLER OUTRAGE. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT GAMZEE??! WOULD YOU???!!!!  
CG: OH SHIT.  
TC: KarkaT?  
TC: You gone all quiet agaiN.  
TC: You screaming at the motherfuckin universe over therE?  
TC: You’re not doing something fucking inadvisable are yoU?  
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll--  
TC: I’ll just wait herE.


	2. Chapter 2

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an active troll  
CG: Gamzee?  
CG: Damnit. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS BUT  
CG: PLEASE BE THERE.  
CG: I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT EVERY TIME THAT THING MOVES.  
CG: I’M BARELY FIVE SWEEPS OLD. I’M NOT READY FOR THIS.  
CG: BUT DOES MY PERVERTED BODY LISTEN TO ME?  
CG: SHIT NO! WHY SHOULD IT? NOBODY ELSE DOES.  
TC: You’ll be the picture of finE. It’ll be better than finE. Just sit back and let the thing happen. Your little dudes’ll come out all by themselveS.  
CG: WHAT IF I DON’T WANT THEM TO, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT?  
TC: Don’t be like thaT. Everything’ll be all lilacs and daisieS.  
TC: Shoosh, brother, shooooosh. I’m all over here pretending to pat you on the shouldeR. You gotta calm dowN.  
CG: STOP TOUCHING ME!  
CG: FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU, YOU DRIBBLING CULTIST MORON!!  
TC: UhH..  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I JUST NEEDED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO BEFORE I DIED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MY OWN MOOBEAST SHIT. IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I CHANGED MY MIND.  
TC: Nah, I’ma sorry about thaT. It’s all cool between uS.  
CG: FEELS LIKE SOMEONE’S THROWING A CREEPY ALIEN PARASITE RAVE PARTY DOWN IN MY BULGE.  
CG: SO FUCKING HOT IN HERE.  
TC: Sounds wild intense. But uh, doesn’t it feel a little bit gooD?  
CG: FUCK YOU  
CG: UM.  
CG: MAYBE  
CG: IT WOULD IF IT FELT LIKE AN ACTUAL PART OF MY BODY.  
TC: Has it..uh.. come out yeT?  
CG: NO FUCK THAT!! IT CAN STAY IN THERE FOR ALL ETERNITY AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED!!  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT, I DON’T WANT TO FEEL IT WAVING AROUND LIKE SOME ALIEN WORM THAT SOME JACKASS STAPLED TO MY BODY!  
CG: FUCKING BRIGHT SHINY CANDY RED LIKE SOME DISTURBING MELTED HUNK OF CHERRY LICORICE.  
CG: NO I WON’T DO IT!!!  
TC: Aw fuck, Karkat? Come on bro, do you uH…  
TC: Tell a brother, who are you all diamonds foR?  
CG: KANAYA. BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING I TRIED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS BUT I AM A FUCKING COWARD. SHE KNOWS AS MUCH AS I DO ABOUT ‘FIRST FLUSH’ FROM MOVIES AND HER SHITTY SUPERNATURAL DAY-NOVELLAS. WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME NUMBER AS NOTHING. I DIDN’T WANT TO DRIVE HER OFF THE FUCKING PIER WITH MY FROTHING CRAZY.  
TC: Uh, ok. I’m gonna say some things, and I want you to just try and motherfuckin do them without a lot of flapping and fuminG.  
CG: FUCK YOU  
TC: Get your think pan pretending that I’m your pale crush siS.  
CG” WHAT?!  
TC: I’m a calm, bitchin vampire sis who feels an ocean of pity in her blood pusher for your sorry statE.  
CG: NO!  
TC: I’m all elegant and prettied up with some kickin green lip paint and matching shiny nailS.  
CG: STUPID IS THE NAME OF THE THING YOU ARE TRYING TO DO.  
TC: I’m dolled up in Fancy clothes that are sleek and suave and my Hair is a Bleached Shade of Scorching Yellow Like A Proper Rainbow Drinker from my Sinister NovelS.  
CG: THIS IS A TERRIBLE JOKE. NO.  
TC: *GA comes up next to yoU.  
CG: I DON’T WANT HER TO SEE ME HALF NAKED ON THE LOAD GAPPER YOU WITLESS FUCK!  
TC: *GA is blindfolded and can’t see one thing about Karkat’s naked bathroom motherfuckin selF.  
CG: THIS IS UNBELIEVEABLY STUPID.  
TC: *GA puts her hand all gently-like on her best palebro’s shouldeR. She says-  
TC: There There Karkat. Everything Will Be Okay Now.  
CG: fuckyougamzee  
TC: *GA starts massaging her diamond boy’s bunched up shoulders with both pretty hands. The shit is so tender and purE.  
CG: FUCK THIS SIDEWAY. I JUST WANT THIS TERRIBLE STATE TO GO AWAY!  
TC: Shoosh, My Dearest One. You Need Not Be Afraid. I Am Here For You. You Must Let Things Take Their Course.  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO.  
TC: *GA strokes his hair gentle with one hanD.  
TC: I Know, But It Is A Thing That Must Happen. Resisting Will Only Cause You More Distress And Grief.  
CG: NO!  
CG: ((TELL ME THAT I’M BEING AN WHINEY DOUCHBAG))  
TC: You Are Being Exceptionally Foolish About This Matter. I ask You To Please Reconsider Your Obstinate Position.  
TC: For Motherfuckin ME.  
CG: okay  
CG: FINE,  
CG: YOU WIN THIS ROUND.  
CG: ANYTHING TO MAKE YOUR TERRIBLE IMPRESSION OF KANAYA STOP.  
CG: HOW DO I…DO THIS?  
TC: Uh, you’ve seen adults doing pailing things in movieS. That kind of thing, but too yourselF.  
CG: LET ME REPHRASE THE QUESTION. HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT STICKING MY FINGERS IN SOMETHING THAT I STILL FRANKLY FIND TERRIFYING AND INJURING MYSELF WITH MY PREDATORIAL CLAWS?  
TC: Uh… If their not coming out on their own, you gotta coax them out of their snug, karkat flavored hidey holE.  
CG: HOW.  
TC: Okay man, just think about troll Will Smith. You still got this torch all lit for him, righT? Think about him all close up and without his motherfuckin shirT. Just concentrate on that little piece of fantasY. Think real hard and reeeal lonG. :o)  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an active troll  
CG: SHIT  
CG: THAT WASN’T TOO BAD.  
CG: I THINK  
CG: MAYBE  
CG: Oh FUUUCK.  
TC: WhaT?  
CG: IT’S STARING AT ME.  
TC: You sure you’re all sober and sound in the paN? Last time I checked (and, y’know, I check kind often hehe) they don’t have nothing to stare witH.  
CG: IT’S SWAYING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A WIGGLER EATING SNAKE.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE?!  
CG: MY BULGE IS TRYING TO HYPNOTIZE ME!  
TC: You mean it’s, uh, moving around on its owN? Yeah, that’s just the kind of thing they do, its part of their jazz, don’t worry about iT.  
CG: WONDERFUL. ANOTHER SPLENDID MYSTERY SOLVED BY THE WISE OLD HIGH-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKIN-SUN MAKARA AND HIS INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF THE MOST PERVERTED PARTS OF TROLL ANATOMY.  
CG: I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MYSELF!  
TC: Your little hypnotic miracle is just looking for some companY. Just needs you to give it a hand so it can get its fuckin tangle oN.  
TC: HonK  
TC: ;o)  
CG: FUCK THAT. TIE IT UP. HANG IT FROM THE RAFTER AND BEAT IT WITH THE ‘SCREW THIS’ STICK UNTIL TEARS OF LIQUID SORROW LEAK FROM ITS COMPLACENT OCULARS!!!  
TC: You gotta do what I’m saying to yoU. I’m the voice of motherfuckin experiencE. It is mE :o)  
CG: NO.  
TC: Do you want me to up and get your future pale sis back in herE?  
CG: NO!!  
CG: ARGH, THIS IS SO STUPID! COME ON KARKAT PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR PROTEIN EVACUATION HOLE AND GET THIS DONE!  
CG: FINE. OK. I CAN DO THIS.  
CG: JUST DON’T LOG OFF YET, STAY PUT UNTIL THIS REACHES IT’S INEVITABLE CONCLUSION OR I DIE HORRIBLY IN A MASS OF ANGRY ALIEN PARASITE PORNOTENTACLES.  
TC: I won’t budge one fine inch, best brO.  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: OH FUCK IT’S HOT.  
CG: BURNING MY HAnd with wet ooZE  
CG: And GRAbbby. FUCK WAHT AM I  
CG: FEELS liKE, can’t evn describ  
CG: FUCK shitshitshit clAws. How do I tell to aviod mye fUCKING CLAWS?  
CG: NVM, IZ curling round base of fingerzz. shittyblisterythrobbingfuck  
CG: cant catch breTH  
CG: itz tryn to stel my hand. DRAGGING TO OH FUCK THERE?  
CG: FUCK tis. Need toher hnd. Puttin phone down.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll  
TC: I kept telling and telling you, but now you’ve got understanding that there was nothing but miracles hiding away up in therE. :o)  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an active troll  
CG: Miracles? Is that what this stinking mess all over my bathroom floor is called?  
TC: Haha, welcome back my best bro. How does it feel to be all adultified and shiT?  
CG: It feels -damnit  
CG: IT FEELS LIKE A HAD A MINDBENDINGLY VICIOUS AND AMAZING ARGUMENT WITH MYSELF AND LOST.  
CG: I LOST SO HARD THAT MY BODY WAS FLUNG THROUGH ALL 612 LEVELS OF RAGE AND SELF LOATHING AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE.  
CG: I’M SITTING HALF NAKED IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN BRIGHT AND SHINY GENETIC MATERIAL LIKE THE WORLD’S MOST SELF SATISFIED MORON, AND I DON’T EVEN CARE.  
TC: Don’t worry about that, it cleans up real easY.  
CG: I FORGOT TO DRAG A BUCKET IN HERE BEFORE EMBARKING ON THIS HIDEOUSLY TERRIBLE JOURNEY OF SELF DISCOVERY.  
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF WE HAVE A BUCKET.  
CG: BUT WHO FUCKING CARES? I AM KARKAT, LORD OF THE PUDDLE.  
TC: Heheh, you know it brotheR!  
TC: Sure, it was confusing and hard, but now you’ve got a relationship that will last for a motherfuckin lifetimE.  
CG: I’M SURE THAT MY BULGE AND I WILL BE BESTBUCKETCHUMS FOR LIFE. WE WILL HIGH FIVE INTO THE SUNSET ON A WHITE HOOFBEAST MADE OF NONSENSE AND DERISION; AT WHICH POINT I WILL FALL DOWN ON THE GROUND AND WRITHE IN EITHER AROUSAL OR AGONY BECAUSE MY BULGE HAS TOO MANY NERVE ENDINGS FOR THAT KIND OF ABUSE.  
TC: Yeah man, they are so fuckin sensitive.  
CG: AND IT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN, HOW THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR?  
TC: You can up and learn to control them, it just takes a little practicE. I like to teach mine tricks sometimeS. Even taught Red Pop to hold a fuckin penciL! That shit is miraculouS.  
CG: I WOULD REMIND YOU ABOUT OUR ‘NO TALKING ABOUT GAMZEE’S REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS’ CHAT POLICY IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL, BUT IT SEEMS MY CRANIAL ANGER MANDIBLE HAS RETREATED BACK INTO MY BODY ALONG WITH MY FUCKING BULGE.  
CG: THERE’S CLAW MARKS ON MY WALL AND THE FLOOR THAT I DON’T REMEMBER MAKING.  
CG: MY MOUTH IS BLEEDING.  
CG: I GUESS I BIT MY LIP? I DON’T REMEMBER DOING THAT EITHER.  
CG: I WAS STEWING IN VAT OF MY OWN PENT UP ENERGY? FRUSTRATION? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  
CG: IT HAS BEEN BUILDING UP FOR DAYS AND DRIVING ME CRAZY  
CG: NOW IT’S GONE.  
CG: I SHOULD GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND THANK THE CONCUPISCENT GODS THAT I DIDN’T ACCIDENTLY DESTROY THE ENTIRE ROOM DURING MY SCREAMING ‘THROES OF PASSION’.  
CG: I’M JUST SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO SEE ME LIKE THIS. PAST ME WAS AN EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK.  
TC: Ah bro, I was happy to help you through that patch of stormy weather, all howl’n and blow’eN.  
CG: I WILL NEVER SAY THESE WORDS AGAIN SO PULL YOUR SOPOR COVERED THUMBS OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PAY ATTENTION.  
TC: I’m all earS.  
CG: GAMZEE MAKARA. THANK YOU FOR TOLERATING ME WHILE MY SHIT WAS FLIPPING THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A PANCAKE TOSSED IN THE VACCUM OF SPACE. THANK YOU FOR NOT THROWING UP YOUR HANDS IN DISGUST AND BLOCKING ME FOREVER AFTER THE FIRST 17 EXCLAMATION POINTS.  
CG: THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE, AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST CLICHED AND SACCHARINE WAY POSSIBLE.  
CG: NO, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. NOTHING. NO WORD OR SYMBOLS. THIS IS EMBARRASSING ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT ENDURING SOME CLOWNY ASS REPLY.  
CG: JUST SAY ‘OK’ SO I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T GET DISTRACTED BY BUBBLES OR SOME MINOR HALLUCINATION.  
TC: Okay,  
TC: my best motherfuckin friend in all the world, land or seA.  
CG: LEARN HOW TO FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS YOU ENORMOUS SHITSTAIN!!!  
TC: hoooooooooonk :o)  
CG: WHAT IS THAT NOISE?  
TC: HuH?  
CG: GOD DAMNIT  
CG: MY LUSUS IS TRYING TO GET UP THE STAIRS, HE MUST BE WORRIED. I NEED TO GO BEFORE HE EITHER FALLS ON HIS CARAPACE OR MAKES ANOTHER HOLE OR FIVE IN THE WALL. HE IS SUCH A STUBBORN ASSHOLE.  
TC: I always wondered where you got all those shouty tendencies froM. :o)  
TC: But yeah, I got my understanding on, you don’t want nothing to happen to hiM.  
CG: I NEED TO GET CLEANED UP. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I SMELL LIKE RIGHT NOW.  
CG: BUT FIRST I NEED TO FUCKING REMEMBER HOW TO USE MY LEGS.  
TC: All that noise and learning with come rushing back soon enougH.  
CG: GAMZEE, DON’T BREATH A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE ELSE. THIS PESTERLOG NEVER HAPPENED. WE WILL BOTH DELETE THE EVIDENCE AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.  
TC: Sure thing, whatever you want best frienD. Not one little whisper will slip out from between my lips of these happeningS.  
TC: I’ll keep all those little fine secrets to myself, the embarrassing, the sweet and the dangerouS. All of them safe and locked away foreveR, especially that last kinD.  
CG: I…  
CG: FUCK  
CG: SEE YOU LATER  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  
TC: Sorry my bro, I’m not deleting this miracle jaM. It’s gonna live in my computer being all sweet and pastel until the world comes crashin down around our feeT.  
TC: <><><><><>  
TC: :o)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished! the final chapter is outtakes. I hope you enjoyed my strange alien biology headcanon :)
> 
> Kudos to [GoldenKnife](http://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenKnife/pseuds/goldenKnife) for helping me with editing and other finishing touches.


	3. Outtakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a few deleted fragments for your amusement. It is 100% Xenotastic

CG: I DID NOT SURVIVE ON THIS PLANET FOR FIVE SWEEPS JUST TO BE SCHOOLFED BY A SMUG ASSHOLE UNTIL MY MYSTERY COLORED BLOOD OOZED FROM MY AURAL SPONGES.  
\---  
CG: I WILL FIND A WAY TO STICK MY HEAD THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND OUT OF YOURS THEN KILL YOU WITH MY BLOODCURDLING WAILS FOR MINDFROTHING AGONY!  
\---  
TC: So I read up above somewhere that you’ve only got one wicked little brother hiding up down in therE?  
CG: FUCK YOU. YES AND FRANKLY ONE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH  
TC: You all sure about that? It seems kinda strangE.  
CG: CHALK THAT UP TO ANOTHER WEIRD MUTATION VISITED UPON KARKAT ‘NUBBY HORNS’ VANTAS. THE PATHETIC TROLL WHO IS DESTINED TO BE GENETICALLY INADEQUATE IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.  
CG: BUT HONESTLY I DON’T CARE. IF I HAD MORE THAN ONE THEY WOULD FIND SOME WAY TO FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. IT’S BETTER THIS WAY.  
TC: I dunno, you surE? Maybe you got confused from all that bitchin intensitY.  
CG: NO.  
CG: UNLIKE CERTAIN SHITTY CLOWNS I DO NOT FALL INTO A STATE OF MYOPIC BAFFLEMENT WHENEVER A BREEZE BLOWS THROUGH MY HIVE OR MY STOMACH MAKES A NOISE YOU HUGE TOOL!  
TC: I hear those words, brotheR.   
TC: So how motherfuckin long  
CG: NO, STOP. THE TIME FOR INAPPROPRIATE PERSONAL QUESTIONS IS OVER.  
TC: Awwww. :o(


End file.
